WHY do I do this to myself? I beat myself up for things I can’t change..I try SO HARD to make people happy..I try so hard to be accepted.why? I still don’t know.. maybe because I am so nice/stupid.. .I just want to feel loved! I just want someone to come along with some superglue, and mend this broken heart..I just want someone to care about me for once..to hold me when I’m upset, to understand me..to accept the fact that I am not  happy, and it’s not anything they did or can change.

I need an intellectual, someone who understands my view point, and doesn’t try to change it. I need someone that will cherish my past as I do, because it makes me who I am now..
I need someone who likes to sit at home on the weekends, rent movies, and eat microwave popcorn..I need someone who will put up with me, I need someone who knows me well enough to realize that I need downtime to think about things, especially when I am upset about something..

I need someone who knows when I am being serious and when I’m being sarcastic or joking around... I need somoene who will indulge me, allowing me to reach for my goals, but be there in that dark tunnel to catch me when I fall. I need someone who doesn’t want anything more than to be with me. I need someone who will tell me so.

I NEED LOVE!!

But right now, what I need, is a shoulder to cry on. Already, I’m alone. I have freedom, but I don’t want it.. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, but I don’t want to. These walls speak of good times. My broken heart still beats..I will go on, but I can’t fathom the idea of continuing life right now..it hurts too much.

I need a way out. I need someone, anyone to tell me it’s going to be ok. I need someone to hold me right now, but I don’t know who to call. It’s not as easy as picking up the phone..and call who? These friends around? Huh? You gotta be kidding.. they aint no real friends!! But you know what.. life is too short..I must be strong..I must go on..

I don’t know why I’m writing all of this, I suppose that its maybe I need to get the whole deal off my chest. I feel a little bit better, but I am loathing the fact that I will, again, be coming home to an empty bed, an empty apartment, an empty life.

I want to run away..far, far away..to a place where no one can hurt me again..where no one will bother me when i don’t want to be bothered..I want to hide..But there’s no hiding from my own mind..

I have never, ever wanted anything more that to be in a great relationship with someone whom truely cares about me..but never happened…

I often wonder what would have become of me if I made different decisions.. I don’t really regret what I have done though…